|Wooden's Wisdom - Volume 10||Issue 424|
|Craig Impelman Speaking | Championship Coaches | Champion's Leadership Library Login|
"HAPPINESS FROM WITHIN" (JOSHUA WOODEN)
John Wooden Video Clip (39 sec.): Don't miss this. 39 seconds of pure magic! Coach Wooden is asked "What your thoughts on the phrase-Give 110 percent?"
As parents (or coaches) we want to provide support for our children that contributes to their self-esteem (confidence) but doesn't result in narcistic behaviors. The Mayo Clinic describes some of the symptoms of a narcissistic personality as follows: a sense of entitlement; monopolizing conversations; exaggeration of achievements; being envious of others and trying to belittle others to make themselves appear superior.
Jessica Stillman, in a December 2019 article for Inc. Magazine, summed up the results of recent psychological research:
"You want your children to know their own value, but you don't want to turn them into self-absorbed jerks. How do you walk that line? As part of a recent deep dive into the psychology of self-esteem and narcissism the Atlantic's Olga Khazan offered some useful research-backed advice.
"Narcissism and self-esteem are the result of two very different approaches to parenting," Khazan writes, citing the work of a Dutch psychologist. "Parents who treat their children like they're more special than others might nurture the children's narcissistic tendencies. Meanwhile, parents who appreciate children for who they are and emphasize that they don't have to stand out in order to earn approval are likely to foster high self-esteem."
The trick to lasting, kind-hearted self-confidence, according to this research at least, is not thinking you're better than other people. That means that comparing your child to others, even positively, is likely to foster narcissism rather than confidence. You might mean well when you praise your child for being "the best" speller, or runner, or piano player, but what you're communicating is that your esteem is conditional on their performance. Your children feel others must be bested in order to earn your love. That leads to the dominating, self-inflating behavior that in extreme cases can turn into narcissism. To raise a child with real self-confidence, skip the comparisons and over the top praise and just lean into love. For children, just knowing that you're delighted in their existence is the best foundation for the kind of big-hearted confidence most parents are aiming for."
Competition is great! Enjoy the experience because it gives you the chance extend yourself, not belittle others.
Coach Wooden described the parental advice he received from his father Joshua this way: "Never try to be better than somebody else but never cease trying to be the best you can be. Also, always understand that you'll never know a thing that you don't learn from someone else."
The expectations of others are not always under our control. Our expectations of ourselves are always under our control. The goal is to satisfy not everyone else's expectations, but your own. The great secret of life is to cultivate the ability to appreciate the things we have, not compare them."
I think Joshua Wooden would have encouraged John Wooded to learn from the great resources on Instagram but not worry about his number of likes. Joshua Wooden taught John Wooden: "Happiness Comes From Within".
What are you teaching?
Yours in Coaching,
'The worst is yet to come:'
Edgar Allen Guest (1881-1959)
For more information visit www.woodenswisdom.com
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